A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Happy New Year 2013

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for helping me through 2012. It’s been by far the toughest year in my life and I couldn’t have made it through without faith in God and the help of my fellow bloggers. You may not realize it but all the kind words and advice really made an impact on me. My husband hasn’t had as much support but then I think sometimes dads go through loss differently. He isn’t one for talking about his feeling with strangers but I pray he starts healing from losing our son Saif even if just a little more today than last month even. I never thought I would make it through this year in one piece but I’m here and I guess I have. Sometimes I’m happy and proud of how far I’ve come. I also feel guilty for not being bed ridden with depression. The only thing I can think is that I don’t think Saif would want me to be depressed. Also because of my faith in God and knowing Saif isn’t suffering anymore…. I have to trust God, he knows best and he doesn’t want me dwelling on the negative. So for those reasons I feel kind of good about where I am right now. Though as I’m writing this I crave deeply for my son to be in his crib sleeping right now or up for any reason and me comforting him back to sleep. I have felt recently that he is near me, very strong feeling lately. On January 4 th it will be 1 year since he’s gone. I can’t really comprehend this to the fullest and maybe I never will but I feel he’s watching over me and my husband. I feel he’s blessed me more than I know even at this moment. I miss his scent, his face, his smile, his hands and feet, the way he would curl his toes against my hand. Everything about him….but he gives me strength even from heaven. In a weird way I feel I still have a son…I can think about him anytime I want and look at his pics/videos and talk to him if I choose. It’s a little piece of comfort I have in those moments. I’m sorry this became a long post, I had intended to give a short happy new year post but I just typed what came to mind. I guess I just want to say I hope and pray that my fellow bloggers and parents of angels alike are able to get through 2013 and find more healing than 2013. I pray for blessings for all whether big or small. Happy New Year 2013!!!