A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

My son is 3 and his big brother would have been 5


I can hardly believe my little boy turned 3. The time is going by so quickly. I look back on his newborn pictures and I’m in awe. Its a great time of happiness and celebration. He was so excited to get text messages and social media messages (that I read to him) wishing him a Happy Birthday. He was genuinely thrilled and I loved watching his reaction to each one. He told me he feels old now lol. We had a party with his cousins when they were in town. He had a small cake on his big day with us. He will have a party with my sisters son who was born one month earlier at the end of the month. He loves his parties. The only thing missing of course was his big brother. Everything my son does reminds me that I miss these milestones with Saif. What would Saif want for his birthday? Would the two boys be inseparable?  Would their personalities be the same or opposite. Despite feeling time ticking quickly with my son, it seem like just yesterday Saif was born. In fact, it’s like the clock stopped in a way. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how my life played out. I am so greatful and thankful to God for giving me three beautiful children. Even though he took Saif back, he allowed me to know him. In some ways I know it would have been harder if I didn’t get that time with him, even if it was spent in the hospital. I think of the things hes missing or rather that I am missing without him. I wonder what my kids will think about him when they are older. I try to keep his memory alive but I don’t know how aware my kids are of what details I give them. I like to think that my kids met him in some fashion in spirit. I like to think he is around watching them. I haven’t had a dream with him since around the time I was pregnant with my 2nd son. I miss him so deeply and yet I feel so disconnected lately and I feel guilt about it. I also feel guilt about him being born prematurely.  I thought that would go way but maybe it’s worse. I try not to blame myself but I think its par for the course. When I hold my kids,  I sometimes imagine what it would have been like to have him home and to nurse him and watch him grow. I know he suffered greatly while he was here. I know now, more clearly, all that he went through. I am happy he is at peace and pain free, really I am. It just sucks. I think part of me is just now feeling the reality of what happened.  I think I haven’t ever fully grieved or maybe this is what I’m supposed to feel. Who knows anymore. In any case I am enjoying my kids and seeing them play together and laugh. I have guilt when I have to discipline them because I think that I should just be easier on them since I am lucky to have them. The other part of me says I need to discipline like any one else and not to smother them. It’s a mind game that continues battling in my head daily. I enjoyed my sons birthday but instantly my head says, don’t enjoy it too much because Saif isn’t here and its your fault. My head also tells me don’t screw it up with the the two kids you have. It’s a struggle but I am thankful and confused nonetheless.  There are woman out there who would love to have my problems. I just keep telling myself that this must be normal and maybe I have PTSD. Well, I thank you for reading and helping me navigate my life without Saif. I thank you for following my blog and as always, feel free to comment.

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I miss this face


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Please visit this link….it’s super important!!!

Please visit this link from a fellow blogger. It’s for a great cause. She has donated to some great organizations and she has helped me find another way to remember my son and help others in need.

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How I spent my birthday last year…October 17th




This was the best and most memorable birthday thus far. Thank God I have pictures and video.


Gloomy weather makes for a tough day


Why do the gloomy, rainy weather days brings such sadness? Maybe it is this fall weather when the days are becoming shorter ,or maybe it’s because I was holding my son this time last year being told he was coming home soon….either way I’m feeling slightly depressed and sorry for myself. I am trying to give myself a pep talk…others have it worse then you, he’s in a better place etc. I know this is par for the course but it honestly sucks. My moms birthday is on the 25th also and I’m missing her terribly as well. This was her favorite time of year. She would make pumpkin pies and soon her many varieties of Christmas cookies and chocolates. My birthday was the 17th and I was looking at pics of my son and how adorable he was when I spent my birthday with him last year. I’m praying for better days ahead but so far I’m in a funk. For now I will continue to try and talk myself out of this funk but I’m also trying to convince my husband that it will get better. Lets hope for both of us that we can get each other through these tough times.