A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

My inspiration

I love this face and he gives me so much inspiration from above. I try to be a better person each day to make him proud even though he’s all the way in heaven.




One year


January 4, 2013 ….this marks one year since my son died. We miss and love you every day Saif.


Happy New Year 2013

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for helping me through 2012. It’s been by far the toughest year in my life and I couldn’t have made it through without faith in God and the help of my fellow bloggers. You may not realize it but all the kind words and advice really made an impact on me. My husband hasn’t had as much support but then I think sometimes dads go through loss differently. He isn’t one for talking about his feeling with strangers but I pray he starts healing from losing our son Saif even if just a little more today than last month even. I never thought I would make it through this year in one piece but I’m here and I guess I have. Sometimes I’m happy and proud of how far I’ve come. I also feel guilty for not being bed ridden with depression. The only thing I can think is that I don’t think Saif would want me to be depressed. Also because of my faith in God and knowing Saif isn’t suffering anymore…. I have to trust God, he knows best and he doesn’t want me dwelling on the negative. So for those reasons I feel kind of good about where I am right now. Though as I’m writing this I crave deeply for my son to be in his crib sleeping right now or up for any reason and me comforting him back to sleep. I have felt recently that he is near me, very strong feeling lately. On January 4 th it will be 1 year since he’s gone. I can’t really comprehend this to the fullest and maybe I never will but I feel he’s watching over me and my husband. I feel he’s blessed me more than I know even at this moment. I miss his scent, his face, his smile, his hands and feet, the way he would curl his toes against my hand. Everything about him….but he gives me strength even from heaven. In a weird way I feel I still have a son…I can think about him anytime I want and look at his pics/videos and talk to him if I choose. It’s a little piece of comfort I have in those moments. I’m sorry this became a long post, I had intended to give a short happy new year post but I just typed what came to mind. I guess I just want to say I hope and pray that my fellow bloggers and parents of angels alike are able to get through 2013 and find more healing than 2013. I pray for blessings for all whether big or small. Happy New Year 2013!!!


Tis the season…

I wanted to take a minute to say happy holidays to everyone ,no matter what holiday you celebrate. I hope that everyone is blessed in some way this season. It sucks that my son isn’t here but I feel he is with me in spirit. Simply put I wish for comfort to all those suffering with the loss of a child or loved one. I especially pray for those that suffered in Sandy Hook. I know I am suffering my sons loss but having your child or loved one brutally murdered, for that I have no words. I can’t imagine how this holiday will be for them. I guess it all depends on your faith and family and friends to get you through. I hope some joy shines through for each of those suffering and trying to make sense of it all this Christmas or other holiday event. I wonder if Saif got to meet these angels…something I ponder. Well I hope this season leaves you with some new sense of hope however hard it is to imagine you can find joy again…you will.



Massacre in a Connecticut school, children and staff among the deceased

This is the most tragic story of children and staff members in Newtown Connecticut loosing their lives by a gun wielding lunatic. I have family that live about an hour from this area and it shook me to my core. I pray for the parents and loved ones of the deceased. Please read this article.

Lt. Paul Vance of the Connecticut state police confirms both students and staff of the Sandy Hook Elementary School are among the fatalities, as is the suspected shooter.

By Pete Williams, Miguel Llanos and Tracy Connor, NBC News

Updated at 5:26 p.m. ET: A teacher’s son — clad in black and carrying two pistols — rampaged through a Connecticut elementary school Friday, killing 20 small children and six adults, including his mother, in the nation’s second-worst school shooting, law enforcement officials said.
For up-to-the-minute coverage of the tragedy at Sandy Creek Elementary, stay with, and tune in to your local NBC station to watch tonight’s special reports on NBC Nightly News and Dateline NBC.
The gunman, identified as Adam Lanza, 20, was also found dead at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, law enforcement officials said. Officials initially told NBC News the gunman was Lanza’s brother, Ryan, who is cooperating with investigators and said Adam has a history of mental illness, according to a senior official.
An unidentified woman was also found fatally shot in the face at a home in Newtown after police showed up with there a bomb squad, officials said.

Lanza’s mother is a kindergarten teacher at the hilltop school, and most of the dead were found inside her classroom, according to
Some young survivors — ages 5 to 10 — described the terror of the shooting and a massive police response that included SWAT officers going room to room to search for victims as students huddled in classroom corners.
Robert Licata said his 6-year-old son was in class when the gunman burst in and shot the teacher.
“That’s when my son grabbed a bunch of his friends and ran out the door,” he told the Associated Press. “He was very brave.”
One student told NBC Connecticut she was in the gym when she heard “seven loud booms.”
“The gym teachers told us to go in the corner, so we all huddled,” she said. “And I kept hearing these booming noises. And we all … started crying.
“All the gym teachers told us to go into the office where no one could find us,” she added. “So then a police officer came in and told us to run outside. So we did and we came in the firehouse.”
More coverage: and’s coverage of the incident
The high death toll and the tender age of many victims sent shock waves all the way to the White House, where the flag was lowered to half-staff.
President Obama, his voice cracking at times, said he reacted to the tragedy first as a parent.
“Our hearts are broken today,” he said. “The majority of those who died today were children. Beautiful little kids between the ages of five and ten years old.”
Authorities in the small bedroom community 60 miles from New York City were alerted to the unfolding carnage by a 911 call around 9:30 a.m., and then reached out to state police and neighboring police departments for help.

An elementary school student recalls the terrifying moments following sounds of shots fired at her Connecticut elementary school, saying “teachers told us to go in the corner so we all huddled.”

Connecticut State Police Lt. Paul Vance said troopers fanned out across the school and searched “every door, every crack, every crevice” of the building.
Most of the bodies were found in two rooms in one section of the 600-student school, which goes up to the fourth grade.
Two children were taken to Danbury Hospital, but they died. A third person was being treated at the hospital, which went into lockdown mode and cleared trauma rooms as doctors waited for an influx of survivors that never came.
After police finished searching the school and determined there was only one gunman, they led the children outside, telling them to close their eyes, apparently to avoid seeing anything gruesome.
At a staging area ringed by police vehicles that raced to the school from across the state, the dazed and crying kids were reunited with worried loved ones.
Brenda Lebinski, mother of a third-grader, said she found a “horrendous” scene.
“Everyone was in hysterics — parents, students. There were kids coming out of the school bloodied. I don’t know if they were shot, but they were bloodied,” she said, according to Reuters.

One parent picking up his 7-year-old son said the shooting was “the most terrifying moment a parent can imagine.” He went on to describe the anguish of waiting to find out if his son was a victim and then running to his child when he saw him.
“It was the greatest relief in my existence,” the father said. “I’m just happy that my kid’s OK.”
Two 9mm handguns were recovered from the scene, an official told A rifle was found in the back of a car parked outside the school.
The FBI was assisting with the widening investigation, and authorities said there were many unanswered questions, including the motive.
“There is a great deal of search warrant activity…in and out of the state,” Vance said, without giving specifics.
Connecticut Gov. Dannel Malloy was meeting with grieving families.
“As you can imagine, the governor is horrified by what’s happened,” said aide Roy Occhiogrosso.
The death toll is the highest from a school shooting since a gunman killed 32 people at Virginia Tech in 2007. At Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, two teens killed 13 people and wounded 24 in 1999.

Parent Stephen Delgiadice, whose 8-year-old daughter was not hurt, said he never could have imagined such bloodshed in the quiet town of 27,000, where the police force has only three detectives.
“It’s alarming, especially in Newtown, Connecticut, which we always thought was the safest place in America,” he told The Associated Press.
Obama said Friday’s shooting, following the massacre at a movie theater in Aurora, Colo., and other murder sprees, showed the need for “meaningful action…regardless of the politics” to prevent more blood from being spilled.
New York City Mayor Bloomberg, who has been pushing for tougher gun laws, called for Washington to act immediately.
“Not even kindergarteners learning their A, B, Cs are safe,” he said. “We heard after Columbine that it was too soon to talk about gun laws. We heard it after Virginia Tech. After Tucson and Aurora and Oak Creek. And now we are hearing it again.”
Slideshow: Connecticut school massacre

Michelle Mcloughlin / Reuters
The second deadliest school shooting in U.S. history sent crying children spilling into the school parking lot as frightened parents waited for word on their loved ones.



The Kindness of a Stranger….continued




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The Kindness of a Stranger




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7 month old died, the victim of a drunk driver, mother in hospital


This poor little girl ,Baylee, was out with her mother at about 9am in the morning, when a drunk driver collided with their vehicle. Baylee’s mom was hospitalized and poor Baylee became an angel. A Senseless tragedy, and right before the holidays. I know the feeling of Child loss obviously, but for it to happen in this way, by a drunk driver in the morning…..I just can’t wrap my head around it. This poor family, I pray for them at this time. Sadly this isn’t the first or last of such tragedies. I don’t even know what to do or say but I felt this story needed to be shared. I’m deeply saddened for this baby and her family. I don’t know why the girl that hit their car was drunk at that hour of the morning. I wonder what her life must have been like to be on the road like that. I feel her living through this unharmed is going to be torture enough. She will have to live everyday knowing what she did. I pray nobody else has to suffer loss at all in a tragic way…wishful thinking I know but it is my greatest hope.


Holidays ….do they ever get easier?

I have seen many many many parents blogging on this topic. Most parents are dreading the holidays with family and friends because they are missing their babies. I can’t say I’m dreading the holidays but I am missing my son and my mom. My mom has been gone two years now…taken by lung cancer that spread to her brain and bones. For that matter my Aunt was taken just a few months ago from lung cancer as well. We are spending the holidays with family and my cousin(aunts daughter) is going to have us over on the first holiday without her mom. No doubt tears will be shed but I couldn’t think of a better place to be. I think she needs family at this time of year and my husband and I need a distraction from missing Saif and my mom. I am thankful we got invited to my cousins, it just feels like the right place to be since we both have grief at the forefront this season. I know I won’t be distracted from feeling this emptiness I am feeling now and we won’t soon forget that my son would be struggling in the hospital this time last year, but somehow I feel like it will be a good day for us to all be there for each other. We plan to stop and visit Saif at the cemetery tomorrow and that will be emotional but in a weird way I feel like he will get me through this holiday season. Mixed emotions is the best way I can describe how I feel right now. I won’t lie, I spent about twenty minutes after dinner crying and feeling sorry for myself seeing all the Facebook posts of friends and their children getting ready to visit family. I felt like ….why can’t my Saif be here? I imagine we would have him dressed in corduroy pants and a dress shirt with a little sweater vest. I can picture his hat that his daddy bought him…he would probably take it off as most kids do but he would leave it on long enough for pictures. I can picture him tasting his first real Thanksgiving meal. I imagine the faces he would be making, smiles and smirks. He would have teeth now and what would his hair look like?!? I am Thankful he is with my mom and my aunt, that’s what I believe anyway.i hope in some way he joins us for dinner in spirit. My wish for all grieving parents right now is that they get through this holiday and find some joy no matter how tiny. It won’t be easy and for some nearly impossible but I pray that you all make it nonetheless. So from my husband and I and my angel Saif….Happy Thanksgiving.



Signs and symptoms of Premature labor, my story with Preterm labor

Premature labor is scary to put it mildly. You never expect it, you never want to experience it and there are so many variables. My Dr went over all the signs and symptoms of what I should expect and what not to ignore etc ,just a few short weeks before my son was born….at 25 weeks and 5 days. I should mention ,that I had a cervical polyp that was bleeding ,causing spotting early on in my pregnancy and I now suspect a possible case of Subchorionic hematoma. This is a blood clot that usually resolves but sometimes can cause complications to say the least. I was ultimately diagnosed ,after he was born ,with an incompetent cervix. Needless to say ,I feel I have bad luck when it comes to anything medical. I am lucky I got to have my baby for 6 short months ,because some women loose their babies during the pregnancy before labor is even a thought, and some are stillbirth. Some arrive but don’t make it but a few days or even hours…or minutes. It’s a real tragedy that a parent never gets over. My main concern, is that I didn’t seem to follow the textbook list of signs or symptoms ,at least not that I can tell. Maybe I’m just oblivious despite all the research I had done before and during my pregnancy. My doctor told me the bleeding from my polyp wasn’t anything that affected the baby.. and that all bleeding I would have was most likely from this, unless I had other symptoms. Well I must have been leaking fluid the few days prior to my unexpected delivery, because I would go to the bathroom with only a trickle of urine. I assumed it was a uti and drank tons of water the first day I felt this way. Then the next day I felt pressure like a bowel movement, which should have been a red flag, however, I did in fact relieve my bowels ,and after water and rest it seemed to subside. I had a super mild pain in my left hip, which early on I had ,and was told it was a uti, so I drank my water again ….and since it was the weekend figured I would call the dr Monday if anything else seemed odd. Well my issues went away again. I was on vacation from work, and thought I was dehydrated and or perhaps needed rest ,as my job was demanding. Well ,the night before my son came ,I had belly button pain which was more of a discomfort but no other cramps or anything of note.(the labor and delivery staff told me bellybutton pain can be contractions…had not been told this before ,and my gyno said it wasn’t a sign….I beg to differ)I drank water and decided I was definitely going to the dr Monday as something wasn’t right. I relaxed all of the next day ,expecting my husband and I would go to the Dr ,when I suddenly started sweating and that hip pain was back, now it was more pronounced but not horrible. So I said I need to go to the dr now, and strangely I couldn’t get through on the phone ,despite their answering service. So as I’m sweating horribly, a pain shoots across my lower back ,and I thought I had a bowel obstruction or uti for sure…(.drink water and lay on your left side as dr recommended was working no longer). Now at this moment, I thought could this be premature labor or Braxton hicks but I reminded myself that my dr told me it wasn’t either one if after water the pain subsided and I hadn’t had any other signs till now or so I thought. Mind you I wasn’t supposed to be at any risk since the appt just a few days prior gave me a good bill of health and I was told baby looks REALLY good and my vitals were EXCELLENT. Anyway, I went to the bathroom to get ready for the ER ,when I noticed some blood and the pain across my back now wasn’t letting up. In about twenty to thirty minutes this sweating and back pain was taking me over and now I felt I’d made a mistake listening to my dr about the water and the uti and the stupid polyp. Why didn’t I just go in sooner, I tell myself till this day, however I was reassured that in my case, the labor went so fast that steroids wouldn’t have helped. Well before I could finish on the toilet my water broke and quicker than you can imagine my baby soon followed. I couldn’t believe it, I was in total shock and disbelief, why is this happening ….he’s not ready. I know many of you will say, how stupid can she be, doesn’t she know her body etc….I too ,just two weeks prior said the same things while watching YouTube videos of births….unexpectedly videos of preemies and stories of home births and yes…toilet births were popping up. I thought to myself, God forbid, I could not handle that. It was depressing and I thought…I’m not stupid enough not to know I’m in labor. The hospital staff assured me this is more common then folks know. Most women are lucky enough to know before hand that they are at risk for preterm labor, and they are closely monitored by their drs. This will sound crazy to most, but I had a dream just about a week or two beforehand ,that my son was born early and I was crying saying….this can’t be my son…he’s not ready…it’s not supposed to happen this way…and I was given a choice to accept the circumstances or not…I said of course I will keep him…even this way…he IS MY SON. The staff in labor and delivery at the hospital told me ,that if I had delivered him in bed or in the car, instead of the toilet, he may have died right away. They said the toilet water sort of shocked his system. The time it took to call 911 ,and have them respond as well as him being in shock so to speak probably saved him. This is because he didn’t try to take his first breath right away. If he had, that would be more time he was struggling to breath on his own. When the paramedics got there and determined he had a pulse ,they cut the cord. I didn’t know what to do. They whisked him away to the hospital. While I was in the ambulance ,they told me he was stable and they would eventually transport him to where I was ,when it was medically safe or possible to do so. My point to this story is no matter how wonderful your Dr is, trust your gut, or in my case don’t trust yourself. Question everything, and don’t be paranoid ,if that’s possible but be proactive. It’s better to be sent home from the dr or the ER feeling like you’ve overreacted than to have something like this occur. You never know how much time is if the essence. I still wonder if I had gone in a few days prior( I only had a 3 day span from symptoms till birth ) could They have delayed delivery for even a week? Everything happens for a reason and perhaps God didn’t want me to go to the ER only to be sent back home and deliver in the waiting room or the car ride home. I had been told that happens a lot in cases like mine. I feel horribly guilty nonetheless and I just want women to be aware sometimes there are undiagnosed reasons for preterm labor, sometimes it is spontaneous I suppose, but be aware it can happen to anyone. Learn from my case please. I have some useful links about the signs and symptoms you can check out. If you have fears or concerns, call your dr or visit your ER.

Signs that I had…you should call your dr in my opinion or go to the ER

1. Urinating but trickling instead of normal urine stream
2. Feeling pressure like a bowel movement, even if a small movement follows….if your 20 weeks or more I would call the dr to make sure it’s nothing more than bowel strain
3. Hip pain, in my case mild left hip pain…it went away with drinking water and laying on left side, but came back
4. Belly button pain or weird pressure….could be uterus contracting even if no other cramps are apparent.
5. Sudden onset of sweating, even if its warm out, this could be your body going through one of the phases of labor…in my case there wasn’t much time before delivery…20 to 30 minutes
6. Sudden or increased back pain, lower back in my case, shooting across lower back near tailbone and above.

**** Be your own advocate, get educated about your body and pregnancy. Don’t second guess yourself. Have questions all the time for your dr ,and make sure you voice ALL concerns and pains whether you think your overreacting or not. Even if your not high risk ,or have no known medical issues ,be aware that these things can happen in any pregnancy. It is my wish that everyone has healthy full term pregnancies… including myself in the future. I may sound like I didn’t have a clue but believe me, I researched and read up so much my eyes could have popped out. I just hope to make women aware of my situation in hopes it saves them from going through it, or at least helps women to act quickly. thank you as always for reading my blog.