saifsnicujourney

A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Beautiful moments captured of Preemies

I found this Huffington Post article,  http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_56421939e4b0b24aee4bdce2 , with moments captured in the Nicu. It features parents and their preemies and gives a little blurb on each pic. Its heartwarming and sad. Its also inspirational to those going through that journey and roller coaster ride. I pray each and every preemie makes it home and grows up healthy and happy.

 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_56421939e4b0b24aee4bdce2

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My son is 3 and his big brother would have been 5

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I can hardly believe my little boy turned 3. The time is going by so quickly. I look back on his newborn pictures and I’m in awe. Its a great time of happiness and celebration. He was so excited to get text messages and social media messages (that I read to him) wishing him a Happy Birthday. He was genuinely thrilled and I loved watching his reaction to each one. He told me he feels old now lol. We had a party with his cousins when they were in town. He had a small cake on his big day with us. He will have a party with my sisters son who was born one month earlier at the end of the month. He loves his parties. The only thing missing of course was his big brother. Everything my son does reminds me that I miss these milestones with Saif. What would Saif want for his birthday? Would the two boys be inseparable?  Would their personalities be the same or opposite. Despite feeling time ticking quickly with my son, it seem like just yesterday Saif was born. In fact, it’s like the clock stopped in a way. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how my life played out. I am so greatful and thankful to God for giving me three beautiful children. Even though he took Saif back, he allowed me to know him. In some ways I know it would have been harder if I didn’t get that time with him, even if it was spent in the hospital. I think of the things hes missing or rather that I am missing without him. I wonder what my kids will think about him when they are older. I try to keep his memory alive but I don’t know how aware my kids are of what details I give them. I like to think that my kids met him in some fashion in spirit. I like to think he is around watching them. I haven’t had a dream with him since around the time I was pregnant with my 2nd son. I miss him so deeply and yet I feel so disconnected lately and I feel guilt about it. I also feel guilt about him being born prematurely.  I thought that would go way but maybe it’s worse. I try not to blame myself but I think its par for the course. When I hold my kids,  I sometimes imagine what it would have been like to have him home and to nurse him and watch him grow. I know he suffered greatly while he was here. I know now, more clearly, all that he went through. I am happy he is at peace and pain free, really I am. It just sucks. I think part of me is just now feeling the reality of what happened.  I think I haven’t ever fully grieved or maybe this is what I’m supposed to feel. Who knows anymore. In any case I am enjoying my kids and seeing them play together and laugh. I have guilt when I have to discipline them because I think that I should just be easier on them since I am lucky to have them. The other part of me says I need to discipline like any one else and not to smother them. It’s a mind game that continues battling in my head daily. I enjoyed my sons birthday but instantly my head says, don’t enjoy it too much because Saif isn’t here and its your fault. My head also tells me don’t screw it up with the the two kids you have. It’s a struggle but I am thankful and confused nonetheless.  There are woman out there who would love to have my problems. I just keep telling myself that this must be normal and maybe I have PTSD. Well, I thank you for reading and helping me navigate my life without Saif. I thank you for following my blog and as always, feel free to comment.

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Why are people so rude and unfeeling???

I’ve experienced people telling me I should just get over losing my son and even losing my mom. I got angry in the beginning and less so as time goes on but people shouldn’t be allowed to be so rude and nasty. I’ve been seeing this more and more on some message boards I follow for child loss and Incompetent Cervix Awareness. If your friends and family can’t or won’t be supportive, then how can you “get over it”. Everyone grieves or deals with life in different ways and in their own time. I was told, it’s been two months, your not allowed to grieve anymore. I was told, it’s Mothers Day, why are you crying? It’s been two years, why are you still upset? I have been told, your son was never meant to be here, glad I got to tell you that because your not really educated on premature birth….from a childless friend. Your son should have never lived as long as he did, he was meant to have been a miscarriage. Your mom smoked so ,she brought lung cancer on herself, it was her time. No matter how a person died, you loved them dearly and you didn’t want them to die. Whether it was lung cancer or a helpless baby who was born too soon(lived for six months in NICU) and succumbed to the hospital and complications of prematurity, it’s not ok to tell someone to get over it or they deserved it. You should not say, it was his or her time. I’m so tired of this mentality and that people feel they are helping others by saying this hurtful and insensitive garbage. I suffered a miscarriage before my preemie and I was only in the first trimester but guess what…it still hurts. A friend had this happen at only five weeks and over a year later she’s still in pain over the loss. Just because you can’t handle the persons grief, or you don’t understand the situation , you should NEVER say this kind of nonsense. Keep your mouth shut if your unsure of what to say and think how you would feel if it was you. Especially around the holidays or the anniversary of a loved ones birthday or day of passing, don’t be crass and say you need to get over it already. Don’t ruin the holiday for everyone else, I was told. This is what people really say. I think I have a thicker skin or I’ve excepted that folks don’t care to understand but I feel for those who are more sensitive than myself. It still burns when people try to tell me why or how these deaths happened when they weren’t there or never went through it. My son was alive and I’m tired of people telling me he shouldn’t have made it or that he would have been severely impaired and I wouldn’t have wanted him around. For the record, I worked with children with disabilities and they were a joy to be around. They were very smart and had a lot of love to give and they enjoyed life. They had medical issues or social impairments but a person is a person no matter what. That’s a different topic I will get to another time. I just think that especially during the holidays, it wouldn’t kill folks to be nicer. Say, I’m sorry your still suffering. Say, I know you suffered a big loss and it’s hard to celebrate the holiday without your loved one. Say, I don’t know what to say because I’ve never experienced what you have but I’m here for you. Give a hug if that’s your thing. Let the person talk about the memories of their parent or child or even their pet. Just please don’t say it was their time or anything else hurtful. I hope I got my point across on this one. Also Happy Holidays to all, be safe and enjoy. If you are having a hard time, cry, it’s ok. Put a picture out of your loved one. Don’t ever be ashamed to remember them. Peace to everyone.

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The birthday was a success

I was able to get through my sons first birthday with out crying…the entire time. It was amazing and a fun time of celebration. I ordered special cookies for the party and my friend surprised me with a cookie for Saif too. It brought a tear to my eye, followed by complete happiness. He was officially a part of his little brothers birthday. Thanks Tiffany Walters, the cookies were fabulous. Also, my sisters made the day awesome. They made the little cakes and food for the party. My nephew Sam was born one month early almost exactly to the day. He shared in the birthday festivities with his best buddy Zain(my son). We are lucky to have a cousin so close in age and they live close by. All in all I am grateful and blessed, thank you God for sending me my boys.

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My son will be One…..where did the time go???

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This is a bitter sweet milestone for us. My “rainbow” baby is going to be one this weekend. We are having a zoo animals theme. I got plenty of decorations and ordered special zoo animal cookies too. We are so blessed and honored to be parents again and to celebrate such a big milestone. At the same time, I feel sad because we never got to do the same for Saif. I imagine him helping his lil brother blowing out candles and opening presents. I imagine him running around, he would be 3. He would have made an amazing big brother. We celebrated his birthdays at the cemetery of course but I firmly believe he will be watching over his lil brothers birthday party. I always feel like he’s here for these kinds of things, if only in my mind or heart. We keep his pictures and some of his things around to help us feel him and keeping his memory alive. I hope he is happy with how we have remembered him. Well, we hope to have an amazing celebration this weekend. Hopefully I can load some pictures.

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