saifsnicujourney

A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Happy birthday in heaven Saif!!!

on June 20, 2018

Happy birthday Saif. I spent much of last night thinking about you as I do often. I know your up there watching us. I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I can still feel how the weather was that day and what it was like holding you for the first time. You were so small but you opened your eyes and looked at me. I doubt you could see me, being a micro preemie, but it felt like you could. In that moment I felt afraid, sad, happy, and guilty. I cleared your airway. Though your lungs were so tiny and you came too soon, it was as if you were ready for your life to begin. I had no clue what I was doing or if you would even make it. I didn’t know anything about preemies and not much more about newborns. I just knew I wanted to be your mom more than anything. I am forever thankful that I held you, even for a short while and despite being in shock. Soon, they took you to the hospital. I am thankful for all the time I spent with you, even though it was in the hospital. I hope you know how much I love you and how I wished I was more assertive in the hospital. Thankfully, a few great nurses let me hold you and bathe you. There were a lot of times I was told not to touch you but I see so many other nicu moms got to hold their babies, even with all the heavy machinery and tubes. I dont think I was given enough time with you but I cherish what we did have. I am imagining now, what it felt like in those moments we spent together. Thankfully I do have pictures and some videos but I wish I took more. I selfishly thought we would have plenty more time at home as a family. Even though your not here, I feel you around me. I hold you in my heart and imagine that your here with us in spirit. I hope you are having fun, running around without all the tubes and wires, in heaven. Give everyone hugs and kisses from us. We all send our hugs and kisses to you and mom and all of our family up there. I’m sure mom is celebrating with you. Please watch over us and know we love you and miss you. Happy birthday my little giraffe.

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