saifsnicujourney

A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Watch “Saifs NICU Journey 6/20/11 to 1/4/12” on YouTube

on June 14, 2018

This is the video I made for my son Saif. His birthday is coming up and you know what that means, all the “what if” moments. What if he were here for his birthday? Would he like a Transformers or Spiderman themed party? Would he get upset that his brother and sister try to blow out his birthday candles? What would he look like? He would be 7 this year. How is it possible? It doesn’t feel like it has been that long. Everyday I think of him and watch his siblings playing. Of course, I think about how they would all get along and imagine them chasing each other around. When his birthday rolls around, it just hurts a little more than all the other days. It hurts to look back at this video but I think it is therapeutic. Today, my son threw a toy and accidentally knocked Saifs name off the shelf. It was cookies that a friend made for me. I had been saving them because I couldn’t bare to eat them. He said baby Saif would be sad when we went to his house, if he knew the cookies broke. My son thinks Saif’s house is in the cemetery. He can’t grasp the concept that he would have lived here with us. We talk about Saif as often as the kids ask but they are still too young to understand. I was crushed when he broke the cookies but I had to stop myself mid scold. My son didn’t understand what the cookies were and obviously this was just an accident. They are just cookies. It just felt like a punch to the gut. He isn’t here for his birthday and I still can’t ever feel whole. I know that is normal but somehow I think I will get to a magical place one day where my mind will reconcile what happened and why. I don’t logically think that will ever happen. I just feel lost in my thoughts at times when I reflect back on those days in the NICU. Why does it have to be memories only and memories that are becoming foggy. That hurts. Shouldn’t all my memories of my son be crisp in my mind? Well, Im going to pull myself out of this fog for now because my daughter is requesting a snack. I am very thankful for my children and my husband who keep me present and happy. My kids like to look at pictures of their brother. They call him baby Saif, even though he is older. Obviously he was a baby in his pictures, so naturally he will always be a baby in their eyes. Thank you as always for stopping by. Please feel free to check out his video if you feel inclined to do so.

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