A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Why are people so rude and unfeeling???

on December 4, 2014

I’ve experienced people telling me I should just get over losing my son and even losing my mom. I got angry in the beginning and less so as time goes on but people shouldn’t be allowed to be so rude and nasty. I’ve been seeing this more and more on some message boards I follow for child loss and Incompetent Cervix Awareness. If your friends and family can’t or won’t be supportive, then how can you “get over it”. Everyone grieves or deals with life in different ways and in their own time. I was told, it’s been two months, your not allowed to grieve anymore. I was told, it’s Mothers Day, why are you crying? It’s been two years, why are you still upset? I have been told, your son was never meant to be here, glad I got to tell you that because your not really educated on premature birth….from a childless friend. Your son should have never lived as long as he did, he was meant to have been a miscarriage. Your mom smoked so ,she brought lung cancer on herself, it was her time. No matter how a person died, you loved them dearly and you didn’t want them to die. Whether it was lung cancer or a helpless baby who was born too soon(lived for six months in NICU) and succumbed to the hospital and complications of prematurity, it’s not ok to tell someone to get over it or they deserved it. You should not say, it was his or her time. I’m so tired of this mentality and that people feel they are helping others by saying this hurtful and insensitive garbage. I suffered a miscarriage before my preemie and I was only in the first trimester but guess what…it still hurts. A friend had this happen at only five weeks and over a year later she’s still in pain over the loss. Just because you can’t handle the persons grief, or you don’t understand the situation , you should NEVER say this kind of nonsense. Keep your mouth shut if your unsure of what to say and think how you would feel if it was you. Especially around the holidays or the anniversary of a loved ones birthday or day of passing, don’t be crass and say you need to get over it already. Don’t ruin the holiday for everyone else, I was told. This is what people really say. I think I have a thicker skin or I’ve excepted that folks don’t care to understand but I feel for those who are more sensitive than myself. It still burns when people try to tell me why or how these deaths happened when they weren’t there or never went through it. My son was alive and I’m tired of people telling me he shouldn’t have made it or that he would have been severely impaired and I wouldn’t have wanted him around. For the record, I worked with children with disabilities and they were a joy to be around. They were very smart and had a lot of love to give and they enjoyed life. They had medical issues or social impairments but a person is a person no matter what. That’s a different topic I will get to another time. I just think that especially during the holidays, it wouldn’t kill folks to be nicer. Say, I’m sorry your still suffering. Say, I know you suffered a big loss and it’s hard to celebrate the holiday without your loved one. Say, I don’t know what to say because I’ve never experienced what you have but I’m here for you. Give a hug if that’s your thing. Let the person talk about the memories of their parent or child or even their pet. Just please don’t say it was their time or anything else hurtful. I hope I got my point across on this one. Also Happy Holidays to all, be safe and enjoy. If you are having a hard time, cry, it’s ok. Put a picture out of your loved one. Don’t ever be ashamed to remember them. Peace to everyone.


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