saifsnicujourney

A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

When is a good time to “Get over it!” ? Grieving after nearly 3 years

on November 3, 2014

I will be the first to admit that I think a lot of people appear to grieve too much. I mean that they make no attempts at living after a loss. Is that really wrong though? I mean to say, it isn’t for me to say or to judge. I should be especially considerate to those who have lost and can’t get out of that funk so to say. You never get over loss. If it’s your parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, child, cat or dog, you just never do. It changes you forever. I personally try and find the good in each day. I am especially thankful to God for giving me a miracle after my loss….my second son. (Not pushing religion but I do believe in God) I couldn’t have imagined for a moment how my life would turn out. I never expected to suffer miscarriage let alone the loss of my son, who was born premature. There have been a lot of things in my life that I never expected and you can never really prepare yourself for these things. Some suffer the loss of a limb or even death at the hands of terrifying persons who don’t value life. Some suffer loss of a child at the hands of a gunman or a drunk driver. Some lose a beloved pet and that is very similar to losing a family member, after all they have been around for as long as your kids in most cases. I lost my son at the hands of a diagnosis of prematurity, a micro preemie, and ultimately to hospital error. I lost my mother to cancer and we knew it was coming but why was I still in shock when it did happen? The thing with loss is ,you feel so alone after the loss of a child. After my mom passed ,everyone eventually was able to talk about her and share memories. Even after our family dog passed, we got on with life. I’m doing pretty well at life these days. Had my second son not come when he did, I’m afraid of what I would be like. I worry that I was plugging along with my job and other activities, but was I really living? The thing nobody tells you, nobody really can tell you, is that people don’t really pay attention to you after you lose a child. I think it is partly fear of not knowing what to do or say. It’s also partly the feeling of not wanting to “bother” you and not knowing how to process that loss either. What is upsetting is when you want to talk and share a memory ,whether good or bad, people shut you out. In the beginning ,when I was obsessed with what if this or that and overwhelmed with the need to sort through it all, I can see people wanting to stay far away. I had someone tell me that I ruined them forever ,because I made them go to his funeral and they had never experienced loss, not even a pet, let alone a baby. The thing is, I warned ahead of time that it may be to much and I understood if people couldn’t attend. I tried hard to put their needs ahead of mine because I knew I would be selfish in that time and only think about how his loss affected me. It was someone who I thought was a friend, and after announcing my pregnancy of my second son, they shut me out completely. I’m lucky if I get a response on comments I make on their Instagram. Some people will humor me but I see them cringing and praying that I will move on to a new topic. I haven’t really brought him up to anyone in a long time, at least not in any detail. I don’t want to upset people but also I have come to a place of acceptance ,that even had I done things different that it was all in Gods hands. He wasn’t healthy enough to stay here no matter how hard I tried. Now of course ,every once and awhile I will hear a story or see an article or Facebook post on preemies or child loss and it sends me right back, if even for a moment. The thing is though, recently I had that experience and I asked a family member….What if this happened, do you think this is possible? Maybe they did this or that and they couldn’t control such and such happening to make him worse. Well I was told to get over it and that I need to stop dwelling and asking what if. I was told I am not over it and I need to let him rest and move on. Yes I do need to let him rest and move on. I have, honestly I have. You just get those days or moments though, and you have to indulge just a bit into the insanity of your mind so you can move on with your day. I don’t think that’s wrong so long as you can keep about your day to day activities and be present. I am honestly in a good place now and thank God for that and for my husband and son. My son keeps me busy and keeps me laughing. Yes, there are days when he makes me want to pull my hair out, he is a toddler, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I guess I just won’t ever understand why more people don’t reach out after a loss. Most people want to talk about it. They need to, and not just to a therapist. I haven’t gone to a therapist, I probably should, I do reach out to a group online regularly. The point is, there really is no definitive time limit on grief. I probably shouldn’t let other upset me by saying negative or hurtful things. I am only human after all so, Yes…I do get hurt or upset, that’s just who I am. Do you have any similar stories or experiences to share? Please comment on my blog post. Thank you for reading.

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2 responses to “When is a good time to “Get over it!” ? Grieving after nearly 3 years

  1. I’m so sorry that in your time of grief you had to deal with someone telling you you ruined them for exposing them to grief and that you had to be constantly mindful of others’ feelings during that time… A friend of mine lost her 20 year old son close to 10 years ago. People flocked and supported her family for about a year. After that they thought she should move on. 10 years onwards she’s no longer locked in her grief, but she still mourns for her child every single day. The joy it brings to us when she feels comfortable enough to talk about him in conversation is remarkable. He existed, his existence mattered. He was loved and still is. Same for your little boy. His existence mattered, he was loved, he was cherished and still is. He is still a member of your family and as such why not talk about him and about his life and death? I get that it’s a difficult topic for people sometimes, all loss is, but that shouldn’t stop the conversation…. Thank you for such an honest and beautiful post.
    Zoe

    • Thank you so much for the support. I do think it’s huge to talk about what happened and about him. He was only her for six months but it shouldn’t matter that he was only a baby. It’s true what your saying, 100%. I hope your friend keeps sharing memories and I hope in time that I can do the same without the backlash. Thank you.

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