saifsnicujourney

A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Dreams

So I went to visit my son at the cemetery and I was feeling particularly sad. I was feeling like an unfit parent or that I somehow could have and should have done things differently. This happens every now and again. I also felt like I didn’t have enough time to visit him, yet I felt silly talking to him at the cemetery. This is because I feel he is always around at home. I don’t know this to be true but I kiss his picture everyday and I’m always thinking of him and sometimes I talk to him at home. It feels weird to me to do this at the cemetery but I do want to visit him there as well for fear he may think I abandoned him. I know this probably sounds completely crazy but this is some of what goes through my mind.

Last night I had a dream of my son. I haven’t had one in awhile and I was missing that close feeling I get when he appears in my dreams. He was in the hospital for a second time. In real life he had one long six month stay but often I can only imagine him in that hospital. In all of his pictures, he has wires and tubes and such. The only wireless, and tubeless pics are of the day he died. Still I love to look at his face without the tubes, but its tough when its not the high point of his time here. Anyway, he was laying there with the breathing tube and I suddenly can hear his voice. I notice the tube fell out completely and I panic and press the button for the nurse. She asks what his vitals are, but the screen went blank, so I tell her I don’t know. She said how does he look, I said fine. I was shocked he wasn’t in distress and he was breathing on his own like a pro. Then a passerby said goodbye to someone and my son says bye bye. I’m in shock thinking how is this possible. I had only ever heard his voice a few times when he was not on the tube (2weeks) and once when the tube wasn’t in correctly and I heard him making baby noises. In the dream ,I couldn’t understand how he was “normal” and not struggling. After awhile a nurse comes in , then another and they said I have just one question, why haven’t you picked him up….I was never allowed to hold him with this type of breathing tube in real life so needless to say I was nervous to pick him up. When I finally picked him up he was laughing and looking around just like a normal full term baby. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Then there was a coffee mug on the table and it had a giraffe and a monkey on it. He said …I like that mug. I look and examine it, he says aren’t these the things you love to buy? I do tend to collect things with these animals because it reminds me of him. In fact there is a giraffe on his gravestone. I said to him..how do you know..he laughs and says…you do don’t you!?! Then ,he can tell I’m still confused ,and he says …mom I’m not sick anymore ….at this point my husband comes in to see this miracle and the whole time my son is smiling and laughing. One more time the nurse said to me(she had said it one or two times earlier in the dream) maybe this is a sign that he doesn’t need to be here anymore, he’s not sick anymore. I took that to mean that maybe I shouldn’t think of him sick like that but rather a happy healthy baby. After all, I believe he is in heaven and he would be happy and pain free there. All I know is he felt real as if I was there holding him and I woke up so happy and feeling refreshed/rejuvenated. I just wanted to share this story. I hope it doesn’t make me sound to nutty but I have had dreams of him before telling me he was ok…I guess he just wanted to remind me again.

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