A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Holidays ….do they ever get easier?

on November 21, 2012

I have seen many many many parents blogging on this topic. Most parents are dreading the holidays with family and friends because they are missing their babies. I can’t say I’m dreading the holidays but I am missing my son and my mom. My mom has been gone two years now…taken by lung cancer that spread to her brain and bones. For that matter my Aunt was taken just a few months ago from lung cancer as well. We are spending the holidays with family and my cousin(aunts daughter) is going to have us over on the first holiday without her mom. No doubt tears will be shed but I couldn’t think of a better place to be. I think she needs family at this time of year and my husband and I need a distraction from missing Saif and my mom. I am thankful we got invited to my cousins, it just feels like the right place to be since we both have grief at the forefront this season. I know I won’t be distracted from feeling this emptiness I am feeling now and we won’t soon forget that my son would be struggling in the hospital this time last year, but somehow I feel like it will be a good day for us to all be there for each other. We plan to stop and visit Saif at the cemetery tomorrow and that will be emotional but in a weird way I feel like he will get me through this holiday season. Mixed emotions is the best way I can describe how I feel right now. I won’t lie, I spent about twenty minutes after dinner crying and feeling sorry for myself seeing all the Facebook posts of friends and their children getting ready to visit family. I felt like ….why can’t my Saif be here? I imagine we would have him dressed in corduroy pants and a dress shirt with a little sweater vest. I can picture his hat that his daddy bought him…he would probably take it off as most kids do but he would leave it on long enough for pictures. I can picture him tasting his first real Thanksgiving meal. I imagine the faces he would be making, smiles and smirks. He would have teeth now and what would his hair look like?!? I am Thankful he is with my mom and my aunt, that’s what I believe anyway.i hope in some way he joins us for dinner in spirit. My wish for all grieving parents right now is that they get through this holiday and find some joy no matter how tiny. It won’t be easy and for some nearly impossible but I pray that you all make it nonetheless. So from my husband and I and my angel Saif….Happy Thanksgiving.



10 responses to “Holidays ….do they ever get easier?

  1. mmmarzipan says:

    I wish the same for you and all parents who are suffering right now. It must be so challenging 😦 Thinking of you

  2. Leda says:

    Thinking of you today, and wishing you peace. May the love of your family and your love for Saif offer solace.

    • saifsmom2012 says:

      Thanks. I actually follow that blog. It was a very nice message. How was your holiday?

      • mmmarzipan says:

        Well, we don’t actually get a holiday here as Thanksgiving isn’t celebrated, but I am having my own Thanksgiving-inspired afternoon tea this afternoon 🙂 How was yours? I hope it was lovely!

      • saifsmom2012 says:

        I actually had a really good one. I started out with anxiety and tears but my husband and I went to dinner at a relatives and it was great. We laughed and the food was great. We also stopped to see Saif at the cemetery (the sad part). There was a new grave nearby and I found out the one next to him is a baby girl. That was sad but I asked Saif to keep them company and vice versa. All in all we made it through. Next hurdle…Christmas. Glad your doing well too.

      • mmmarzipan says:

        Glad it was mostly good 🙂 And although it’s very sad to hear about the baby girl, I am glad that she is next to Saif so that they can be little angel neighbours to each other. Sending my best to you!

  3. amourningmom says:

    I am so sorry to read about Saif. I wish that no parent had to live in a world without their child/children. Sending hope and hugs now and extra through the holidays. Take care.

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