saifsnicujourney

A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Tired of having to be sensitive to others feelings

on October 7, 2012

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I’ve been silent most of the time when I’m around family, friends, or coworkers. I don’t bring up my son. When I try to or even just make a passing comment , people have walked away from me. Sometimes they change the subject as if they didn’t hear what I was saying or maybe they don’t think it’s important. I know other parents have gone through this, but most people seem lucky to have supportive people around them….people that want to help you remember your child. A big part of me starting this blog and posting pics and videos is so I can openly and freely discuss what happened and how I’m feeling about it. My family and friends have actually said its to much for them to handle. Well then, how is it they can’t consider my feelings? I have been more than accommodating with them, being careful not to show pictures or talk about what he went through….because they can’t handle it. I know a counselor is paid to listen but should that be my only outlet, should I be forced into the dark, kept silent…I don’t think so. Am I wrong? There was a period where my son was at his best…sucking his thumb, holding his pacifier, smiling etc, but nobody was around. Some of it was that people were busy with other obligations but most of it I think was people being afraid to become attached to my son only to lose him in the end. Isn’t that a risk we take in life? Was my son not worth rallying around? I can’t help but think if he had more than just us, his parents, then maybe it would have made him feel more love around him. As I’m typing, a family member just called me to see if I had some books that I borrowed from them awhile back. What angers me is when I called them a few minutes prior, they told me they were to tired to talk and they were going to bed. When I start talking about my son, how I’m missing him….suddenly the person gets sick, or tired, or suddenly recalls something they have to do other than just listening. If I talked only about my son, I could see it becoming a burden on someone, but I’m only able to talk to my husband and strangers. This seems so wrong to me. Does anyone else out there have similar stories or feelings about this topic?

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6 responses to “Tired of having to be sensitive to others feelings

  1. Crystal says:

    I talk anyway. It is a part of me not apart from me…. I know that my daughter passing and the pain that goes with it makes people want to step back sometimes but to be honest, I don’t care. I am proud of her, I love her and now I miss her. I’d do the same if my child were off at college or somewhere else.

  2. saifsmom2012 says:

    I still try to talk about him, but people change the topic or find ways to avoid me when I want to talk about him. I will keep trying. I want people to know him, know he was here and that I’m proud of him and I love him. He was a gift from God.

  3. mmmarzipan says:

    Oh my… how devastating :(. A friend of mine lost her baby in 2001. I went to the hospital and held the baby after it had passed away as my friend asked me to. It was very difficult for me to know how to support her, what to say or how to “be” about it… but inside my heart was breaking for her… and in private I cried and just felt truly sick about the whole thing (to the point of almost vomiting). I didn’t share any of this with her at the time as I didn’t want to “drag things up” or upset her further… I was truly afraid of making things worse. We talk about it now and, when we do, I still cry about it… although she doesn’t hurt over it anymore (and works to support women who have experienced the loss of a child- I guess that’s been part of her healing process). Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you as maybe some of the people in your life are simply at a loss for how to respond, but inside they are feeling for you and missing your baby too… just as I did when my friend lost her baby.
    Oh and please stop by again if you have a chance to think about a charity you’d like my family to donate to in Saif’s memory (I responded to your comment on my post). It is the least I can do in honour of your precious baby.

  4. saifsmom2012 says:

    Thanks for the insight. If I find a great charity I will let you know

  5. mmmarzipan says:

    Thank you 🙂 Oh and I just wanted to add that by no means was I suggesting you put your pain regarding other people’s reactions on the shelf… I would hate to think you thought I was eluding to that. I just didn’t want you thinking that people close to you don’t care, even if their strange behaviour may suggest that. But really, the bottom line is that what you feel is what you feel and you are totally entitled to it… as you are to receiving the love and support of those around you- and I am so sad to hear you have felt unsupported :(. This is not about them or their feelings. I just hope they come around to being more open and emotionally available to you and overcoming their own stuff. You need them to be there for you. Sending my best to you.

  6. saifsmom2012 says:

    I pray they come around too. Its still fairly new even though we are almost at the 1 year mark. I can’t even believe its almost one year…feels like a few months at most. Thanks for the kinds comments, it has helped.

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