A story of premature birth and the NICU roller coaster

Loss of a child…how do you move on???? Can you?

on September 25, 2012

Your never prepared for the loss of a child. It can be a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS , prematurity loss, sudden death of infant or murder. In any of these cases nobody can prepare you for what’s to follow. I think no matter how it happens you are in shock and the stages of grief wreak havoc on you. You can have all kinds of emotions in one day or even in a ten minute period. In my case my son suffered in the nicu for just over 6 months. We thought we were in the clear at three months then for reasons we still don’t have an explanation for, he got very ill and died in January. I somehow thought he would pull through. Even up until two days before he died I was hopeful. I sometimes feel like a zombie or a robot. I’m just going with the flow, working and business as usual. It’s not because I’m not effected or I’m not grieving in the right way as some may say behind my back. It’s because I don’t want to cry and breakdown in front of people at work or even friends or family. I feel like that’s a burden to put on them. Perhaps a grief counselor is in my near future. Maybe I should already be in therapy. The last few days have been really ….sad. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this time last year they told me my son was on his way to coming home. By the end of October they did a complete turn around saying that I should have known he always had the chance of dying. I asked why now at three months. What changed since last week? They kept saying it was his lungs. I don’t believe this to be the issue but either way we are left with unanswered questions and feeling like our son died needlessly. I think of my son daily and lately I’m more weepy then I was even in the beginning. It was the same when I lost my mom. Maybe I’m actually moving from shock to the reality that I will never see him again. I crave touching him, feeling his skin, feeling him next to me. I have visions of how I thought it would be. We would go to the beach and he would feel the sand between his toes, frosting smeared on his cheeks at his birthday or splashing in the bath. I’m lucky we had as much time as we did considering we could have lost him earlier and never knew him( miscarriage etc) . I just don’t know some days,how I can lead such an empty life without him. He was our only son. We had a previous miscarriage and that left a hole or void as it was. I’ve been feeling so empty lately. Watching his videos and looking at pics of him are my only comfort. My husband isn’t dealing well either. He has a lot of anger toward the hospital. They didn’t always listen to us even when it turned out we were right. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Maybe one day I will be able to learn from this experience.


10 responses to “Loss of a child…how do you move on???? Can you?

  1. mmmarzipan says:

    I think of you and Saif everyday since I cam across your blog. Sending love and healing thoughts. I truly hope you get all the support you need as you move through this grieving process- be it in a professional sense if that’s what you’d like, or from family and friends/the wider community.

    • saifsmom2012 says:

      Thank you for your support, it means a great deal. I’m hoping I can get more people to donate to Saifs fund. Lots of nice comments but so far not many donations. Is there a better way to get the word out? I reported the link from your page on my Facebook and then reported it again. It’s funny when I post pics of him I get a lot of responses but when asking people to donate nothing really. Maybe I didn’t post it the best way.

      • mmmarzipan says:

        Oh my gosh, I feel it’s the least I can do! I cry about Saif almost everyday now… I can only imagine what you’ve gone through. What I would suggest is perhaps creating an event via facebook… and inviting your family and friends to donate via that. Do your loved ones celebrate Christmas? Your birthday? Perhaps you can ask for contributions to Saif’s fund instead of the presents they would have given him/you? Perhaps Bliss can give you some suggestions on how best to promote his fund and spread the word. For now you can at least rest assured that people are hearing about his story, his memory is being honoured, people are being educated about various issues affecting parents who have lost a child/NICU preemies and so on. Saif is touching lives. Regardless of monetary figures, a difference is already being made. Perhaps you could also start a Facebook page in Saif’s memory and link it to the fund? Make it public so anyone can join.
        If I think of any good ways to spread the word, I’ll come back to you. In the meantime perhaps just ask your friends and family to stop by his page and leave a message in his guest book… tell them it would mean a lot to you. I truly believe that the more people you can et to visit his page, the better… and not just in terms of donations. I am so glad you decided to do this- both for you and for Saif. You are a very brave woman and mother. The best to you!

      • saifsmom2012 says:

        I will try the Facebook page. I have a YouTube page as well. You have been a great help. How are things with you?

      • mmmarzipan says:

        Hi! Great about the Facebook page- I will check it out too. Things are going well with me, thank you. Taking it easy, staying positive and so on. My next check-up is in over a week from now. I’ll keep you posted 🙂

      • saifsmom2012 says:

        Praying your appt goes well

      • mmmarzipan says:

        Thank you so much :)! And I am praying that the Fb page gets lots of support. Thinking of you and Saif too x

      • mmmarzipan says:


        And just copy this link to your facebook page directly so that it will take people straight there:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: